Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
