I haven't been this sober since birth.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
