Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
