final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Don't judge me 👊🼠his dick just whispers my name
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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