Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
