If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
