Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
