I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
