My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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