Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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