if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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