I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
