dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
