I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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