If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
