how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
