so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
