I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
