I think im going to throw up on grandma
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
