i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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