Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
