So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
