i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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