I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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