The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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