i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
