i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize