Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
