i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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