i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
