At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
