the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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