I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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