There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
