Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
