I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
