That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
