I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
