i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
