He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
