I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
