I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I cut my penus on the lid.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
