Screwed.edu
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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