FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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