i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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