I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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