Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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