Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
