There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
