he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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