yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We don't watch enough power rangers
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
