dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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