I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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