Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
