So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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