Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
