I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
In other news, I just burned my penis
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
