if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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